There's no normal in the grieving process

But why the hell do I keep forgetting that I'm going to lose my father for hours at a time? I feel like I should be wallowing in it all the time, that I should be worried about my mom and about him being in pain, so now I feel guilty about it. And I feel guilty about feeling guilty about not thinking about it. Something's wrong in this picture.

Now What?

I'm kind of floundering - how the hell do you deal with something like this? Is there any way to deal with knowing that you father is going to die, probably sooner rather than later? Any way to stop feeling guilty for not pushing him harder to quit smoking? Or for not making him go to the ER sooner? I just... I just don't know, and I don't think reading (books are normally what I turn to first) is going to help. I'm thinking of going back in to Community Mental Health for counseling, because I"m pretty sure that talking to someone who's not in the middle if all of this will help.

It's bad.

The small cell cancer has a five year survival of 10-15% once it's spread. The median survival time is 10 months, and that's about as much as Dad has if (IF) the treatment works. Wow. I'm trying to deal with the fact that we probably won't have him at Christmas.

Oh, gods.

My dad has cancer. My dad has cancer. Small cell carcinoma, undifferentiated. Metastized into the bones and brain from the lungs. And I'm... can you be numb and terrified at the same time? We don't know the prognosis yet, but the oncologist is coming tomorrow. I'm really, really trying to be optimistic.

Turns out the dizziness wasn't the flu, or anything else it's the fucking cancer, pressing on the balance centers of he brain.

"No tears..."

That's what my dad said today. "No tears, I've had a wonderful life." He hasn't gotten a dignosis, but he's already trying to get us ready for the worst. The docs aren't helping - they're pretty much assuming a positive biopsy result and talking about the oncologist coming in to talk about treatment options.

Mom's friends have been activated - they're going to be coming over to offer support and distraction. And I'm trying to figure what the hell kind of system dad's set up for this eBay thing they have going. There's Auction Wizard, and UPS WorldShip, and eBay itself... my head is spinning and the hospital doesn't have wifi so he can just SHOW ME.

I'm having to play Health Nazi for mom - making sure she eats and sleeps, etc. She's calling her doc (the one who looked at dad and pretty much shrugged - 'I dunno') tomorrow for anti anxiety meds. I've given her an Ambien and hopefully she'll get some sleep tonight. Hopefull I will, too.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

Shite day. Found out that a good SCA friend has less than six months - colon cancer. Went over to my parents to find out that dad's in the hospital. He's been sick for awhile, dizzy and nauseus, but they did an MRI and found a spot in his lung. Biopsy tomorrow. Freakout tonight.

Fun with Superbowl ads!

There were some great ones, some so-so ones, and one jaw-droppingly bad one. Telefloa: FAIL!